Durante Bene Placito Regis

As I was tidying up around my apartment this afternoon my mind was everywhere. I was thinking about all of the different posts I was seeing online concerning the recent attacks across the world, the Syrian refugees, what that looks like for our country, and the countless opinions of others.

 I'm not one to always say my thoughts about different current events happening or to share my opinion and feelings on the matter so that everyone knows, but I would like to share something tonight. 

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At the pleasure of the king.

This is what popped into my head earlier this afternoon. 

I didn't quite understand how this phrase would just randomly be on my mind, but I had a feeling that there was a lesson for me there. So I have been chewing on this phrase for the past few hours now trying to understand it. 

Durante Bene Placito Regis

Latin for "during the pleasure of the king, or during the King's favor."

It means that no one could hold an official position against his (the Kings) will. 

This notion of power has existed for quite some time now. We have seen it in the early 13th century. We see it today. 

In the United States, it's called "at the pleasure of the President."

In the United Kingdom, it's called "at the pleasure of the Queen."

It's all around. This power of control. The dedicated service of oneself to another at their discretion. At their pleasure. 

Politically speaking, this "pleasure idea" means control. It means the authority of one individual. 

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As I am beginning to process and translate what this phrase means to me personally I realize now, more than ever, that I should always strive to serve at the pleasure of the King. 

My King. Jesus Christ. 

I will never hold a position against His will. 

I will never have sole authority. 

And that's the way it should be. 

As God wills, so it will be. 

It will not be thwarted. 

God continues to drive home the point to me that He is in control and He is Sovereign. 

He is the same God yesterday, today, and forever. That's not just a saying we hear in church. It's truth. And I think it's time that we as a community of believers remember that. 

So, in spite of everything happening around me, I choose to serve at the pleasure of the King. 

I chose to stand by His will and not try to overthrow it. I chose to believe that He is ultimately in control of everything.  I chose to trust in Him.

 I chose to speak when He tells me to speak. I chose to stay silent when He tells me to stay silent. 

I chose to give when He tells me to give. I chose to withhold when He tells me to withhold. 

I chose to stay when He tells me to stay. I chose to go when He tells me to go. 

I chose to not be afraid. I chose to have hope in Him. 

A Stand on Truth

Biologist, anthropologist, and geneticist. These are a few words that describe something I am not. A disclaimer of sorts, to make you aware that these are not fields of study I am educated on. However, I will use what little knowledge I do have, and some of what I don't to hopefully convey the things that are in my heart that I wish to share. The topic is touchy, unpopular, and hard if I'm being honest. The topic is race and racism.

The definition of race is a group of people united or classified together on the basis of a common history, nationality, or geographic distribution. I was doing my own research today, if you can even call it that and I have discovered that actually, most scientist don't even recognize race as a biologically valid classification.

"To sum up, the indictment of the anthropological concept of race is (1) that it is artificial; (2) that it does not agree with the facts; (3) that it leads to confusion and the perpetuation of error, and finally, that for all these reason it is meaningless, or rather more accurately such meaning as it possess is false. Being so weighed down with false meaning it were better that the term were dropped altogether than that any attempt should be made to give it a new meaning. 

[Montagu,Ashley, The Concept of Race, 1964]

I came across that quote and found it interesting. As I continued to read different articles I have found that it is still an argument in which both sides (those who believe in race as just a social classification, and those who believe it is more than that) have their own valid points. So I came to the conclusion that I actually have no clue which is correct. Like I said, I am not a biologist, anthropologist, or geneticist. So no, I don't know which is true, but I do think it shouldn't matter.

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I have read countless articles and news reports about the various social and racial injustices that have been happening across the country, and the world. I have read the different status updates people have posted. It all saddens me.

Racism is nothing new to this world. It has been around for ages. A belief that certain people groups are inferior and superior. And, it's so much more than just between races. There is racism between economic status, orientation, religious beliefs, and political views.

It was around in when the Jews were enslaved by the Egyptians.

It was around when Hitler persecuted and killed over 6 million Jews.

It was around during the Civil War where a nation fought over slavery.

It was around when blacks were treated unequally and differently in America before desegregation.

It was around after racial discrimination was outlawed in America

It is around today.

It would be naïve to say that it's not.

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My grandfather was from the Philippines. He was very dark skinned. My father, being half Filipino, is also dark. I remember when I was in 1st grade going up to my teacher and telling her that my mom was white and my dad was brown. My parents never corrected me growing up because they didn't want me to see color. They wanted me to see people. I was fortunate to grow up in a home that taught me the value of the person. Sadly, that's not the case for many today.

I constantly hear people putting others down based on skin color and social standings. There always seems to be name calling and finger pointing. I am seeing entire race generalizations, stereotypes, and assumptions. I see a nation offended at one another. I see a nation divided.

So I am taking a stand on truth.

I can't fix the race problem in America, or the world. I can't change the hearts and minds of people. I can't take away the hurt that has grown and continued to spread across the lives of those around me and those in this country. I can't ease the pain from the families of those who have been personally impacted by the recent events.

What I can do is trust God.

I can trust that He is sovereign.

I can make sure my heart and will stays aligned with His.

I can make sure I don't take personal offense to the things people say out of hurt or anger.

I can make sure that I extend compassion.

I can make sure that even though racism might exist in my city, state, and country, it doesn't exist in me.

I can love people where they are for who they are.

"So God created man in His own image; He created him in the image of God; He created them male and female." [Genesis 1:27]

There is infinite worth in everyone. There is a unique beauty in our differences. And, while many people can't see that right now, I stand by it.

France Bound

God is always moving. Always shifting things. Even when we think God is taking us back a step, He is really only preparing and making a way so that we can walk into the next thing. 

And my next thing, is France. 

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I went on vacation with my family a couple weeks ago and after the vacation, I left questioning if maybe I was suppose to move back to Lafayette. It came suddenly and out of nowhere. I was confused because I didn't know if it was God leading me back there or if maybe it was just emotions and the fact that I missed seeing my friends and family often. I knew I needed to really pray about it and seek the Lord before I made a decision because I didn't want it to be based off of emotion or comfort. I wanted to be where God wanted me to be. 

I drove back into town last Tuesday for a friends birthday and so I knew I would be busy all day and wouldn't really have much time alone. I decided that I would set aside the Wednesday to pray and really spend some time with the Lord seeking direction. I asked that God would send me direction in the form of an email, call, or text that would lead me exactly where He wanted me to be. That Wednesday morning I got a call from my sister-in-law Sarah. I stared at the phone a good minute before answering, debating if I wanted to answer. Not because I didn't want to talk to her or anything, but because I get calls from Sarah pretty often but they are usually accidental calls. I'll answer and all I will hear is Sarah talking in the background completely oblivious to me on the line. So sometimes I just let it go to voicemail. That morning however, I decided to answer, even though I really thought it was just another accidental call. She answered back right away when I said hello and told me that she just got off the phone with her friend who lives in France and said that she really needed a nanny and she had mentioned me. She said she didn't know if this is something I would even be interested in but she wanted to call and let me know. I was completely shocked but there was also an incredible peace that I felt the minute she said it. I told her I was definitely interested and had actually prayed that God would have someone call me today about where I should go. I told her that I was going to go pray and get back to her about it. I got dressed and went to the lakefront. 

I prayed. I read. I listened. 

And, I felt peaceful. 

I called my sister back telling her that she could go ahead and send my number to her friend, Autumn.

Several calls later, everyone had prayed about it and I got the ok to go. All that was next was me coming up with the money to purchase a plane ticket. I couldn't afford one and my parents couldn't afford to help me pay for one either. It was completely in God's hands. If He was leading me to France, I needed Him to provide to funds to get there. Within 72 hours I had all of the money I needed to buy a round trip ticket. God came through in a way that completely blew my mind. 

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I really expected that God would direct me between either staying here in Mandeville or moving back to Lafayette. Never in a million years did I think He would lead me back overseas, especially to France. But, God continues to amaze me. I've been thinking a lot about this and I feel incredibly blessed. I remember growing up telling everyone that I was going to see the world. It's always been a desire of mine. I remember at the beginning of this year God telling me this was going to be an amazing year for me filled with growth and fulfilled promises. And, I'm so thankful that He keeps His promises. 

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I will be leaving Tuesday, September 30 and I will arrive in France on Wednesday morning.

I will be staying in the Champagne region of France, about 2 hours outside of Paris. 

I will be living on a YWAM base while there. 

I ask that you please partner with me in prayer as I step into this next season. Pray for me and my travels there, as I will be traveling alone. Pray for me that I will grow even more with the Lord and that I continue to learn dependency in Him. Pray for the family that I will be nannying for, that blessings are poured over them. Pray for YWAM and the ministry they are doing there. Pray for my friends and family I am leaving here, that peace would fill them. Pray for the church family I am leaving behind, that God continues to grow and bless them. Let's pray that we as Christ followers are always obedient to God's leading and willing to go wherever He takes us. 

My Bell's Palsy Experience

Saturday, August 16, 2014

I wake up pretty late that morning. I had a late night before and didn't get to bed until around 2/3 in the morning. I go downstairs and fix a bagel and as I'm chewing I realize that it kind of feels weird to eat. Instead of worrying about it I just let it go and then go upstairs to brush my teeth which turned out to be extremely difficult. I come to the conclusion that half of my lip is numb. So I do what every person does when they have strange symptoms...I googled it. As I'm reading the many different things it could be I decided the internet was probably not the best place to look. I mean really, one more scroll down and it would have told me I had 3 days to live. I decided I would call my brother and see if he had any ideas or has woken up with that before. He said maybe I just slept on my lip wrong, kind of like when you fall asleep on your arm and then you wake up and its numb. Maybe I was so tired that I passed out on the right side of my face and it just was numb from sleep. In my mind, in that moment, I thought that made perfect sense. As I think back on it now, I just laugh at how easily I accepted that as what was wrong.

As the day went on things started getting worse. I was noticing how irritated my eye was feeling and that it was kind of in pain. I was out shopping with my roommate and while in the dressing room I smiled and noticed that half of my face didn't move, at all. I took a picture of me trying to smile and sent it to my brother. He called me back and agreed that something was probably going on and offered to take me to urgent care just to get it checked out. All of the urgent cares happened to be closed at the time though so he took me to the emergency room instead. I was there for about 5 hours.

Right when I got there and explained my symptoms they told me is was more than likely Bell's Palsy. After running an MRI and CT Scan, it was confirmed that nothing else was wrong and this is what it was. They prescribed an anti-viral medication and a corticosteroid and sent me on my way. Thus began my three weeks of living with Bell's Palsy.

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For those of you who don't know, Bell's Palsy is a form of facial paralysis resulting from a dysfunctional cranial nerve VII causing an inability to control facial muscles on the affected side. Bell's Palsy is diagnosed by process of elimination. There are several other things that can cause facial paralysis such as a brain tumor, stroke, or Lyme disease, so once these are ruled out Bell's Palsy is what is diagnosed. It is rapid and usually occurs overnight. There is no specific cause for how one gets it. It could be from a virus, or head trauma, or probably many other things. Most people will start to regain control of the muscles by three weeks, medicated or not, but for some people they have to wait 6 months before they have completely regained full control. And, in some rare cases, it never returns to normal. You just never know. Thankfully, mine was a very mild case and in three and a half weeks, everything was back to normal with no signs of it left.

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Bell's Palsy isn't fun. Not in the slightest. Aside from the fact that half of my face is drooping and I can't smile, there are so many side effects with it that make it hard.

Because I couldn't control my facial muscles on the right side of my face, this meant that my right eye could not blink. This is not good for your eye at all. As the day progresses your eye gets dried out and irritated. If you don't take certain precautions this could, in time, permanently damage that eye. So to protect it I had to tape my eye shut at night and manually blink it throughout the day. I also invested in an eye patch, and yes, I actually wore that baby in public. (Good thing I love pirates so much, I got to temporarily be one!) Because the eye was irritated, it made driving incredibly difficult for me, especially at night. My eye would try and close but because it lacked the ability to blink or close by itself, if I tried to close that eye, both of my eyes would close, and you know, I kind of need at least one eye on the road. It was also super sensitive to feeling. So if any kind of air, like the air conditioner in my car blew into that eye, it just dried it out even more. Honestly, dealing with my eye was the worst part of this whole thing and there were a few times I contemplated gouging it out myself.

There was also lots of pain and discomfort in other parts of my face. For one, I would get severe headaches everyday. They usually would come in the afternoon and late at night. Also there would be a lot of discomfort in my jaw on the affected side and it felt really tight and hard to open my mouth.

There was hypersensitivity to sound in my ear on the affected side. Noises that I was use to hearing before became unbearable and nearly brought me to tears. I had to wear ear plugs to play worship and sometimes even the own sound of my voice was too much.

I got car sick much quicker during my time with Bell's Palsy and felt physically drained and exhausted after being in a car even for a short amount of time.

Eating and drinking. Man was that a party. There was literally no easy way to do that, at all. I tried using straws thinking it would make things easier, um no, all that accomplished was me making weird noises and some how sucking half of my lip. And just drinking from a bottle was difficult too because I got water everywhere but my mouth. I eventually found a bottle in my apartment that I could squirt the water into my mouth with. That became my best friend, and I had no shame sporting it around for 3 weeks even though it was Hello Kitty. And eating, anytime I chewed, I also chewed my lip as well. And I couldn't really chew on my right side because the muscles on that side of my face were not strong enough to swallow the food.

There were a few times where I choked trying to take my medicine because I couldn't get it down.

And, brushing my teeth. That was just sad. Oh I made sure my teeth were cleaned, but usually my chin and the rest of my face got some of it too. The toothpaste just fell out of the right side of my face like a waterfall. And then trying to rinse your mouth and spit was fun. I couldn't properly spit so it kind of just dripped out of my mouth, real slowly I might add. But, I'm not going to lie and say it wasn't amusing. I definitely laughed at myself a few times.

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So you see, it wasn't a fun time in the sense of all of the symptoms I had to deal with. But, I'm incredibly thankful for a God who brings me through things that ultimately bring me closer to Him and teach me more about Him.  That week before I was diagnosed I was praying to God and asking him to lead me where He wanted me. I was very stressed and not at all at peace with the job I was working at and I asked Him to take me out of it if that wasn't what He had for me, and that if it was, He would work in my heart and change my perspective. Two days after I was diagnosed and left the hospital I was let go. I wasn't really upset about it either, because I asked God to take me out if that's not the place I needed to be, and He did that. Maybe not the way I thought He would but God's ways are much higher than mine. I decided after that to focus on getting better. So for three weeks I took things slow, rested up, and gave my body time to heal. I was also able to go on vacation with my family. During these weeks, God was able to speak to me about things in my heart that I needed to deal with. Pruning isn't always easy, but it is definitely necessary. There were things I thought that I had dealt with that were still lingering in the depths of my heart. I also learned a lot about my own trust in God and His sovereignty. I asked the Lord before all of this to teach me about His sovereignty and that I would grow in intimacy with Him. I remember telling God that I wanted to know Him in a way that was unlike anything I have ever known before. I wanted to know Him based on who He says He is and not based on who other people have told me He is. I wanted first hand revelation of Christ. I had to reach a point in those weeks that I accepted that even if it never went away, even if I had to deal with having Bell's Palsy, or some essence of it, I was more blessed because of it. This wasn't because of a lack of faith and trust that my God is a healer who can heal me of anything, but an understanding that God is Sovereign, He is good, and His hearts desire is to bring me into intimate relationship with Him. Whatever that takes. I knew when I prayed to know God differently and to understand how sovereign He was that it could be considered a dangerous prayer. I didn't ask God to show me those things until I knew that I really wanted to know. He continues to bring me through new seasons. New processes. Growing in dependence and trust. And, I'm thankful for that.

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[I can now say though, that I am completely better and there are no lingering signs of Bell's Palsy. God gets the glory for that! I definitely don't miss dealing with it, but I also don't regret going through it, and the things I learned, and the time I got to spend with Jesus.]

And, here is my pirate picture

In the Now

[Ecclesiastes 5:18-20 MSG]

After looking at the way things are on this earth, here’s what I’ve decided is the best way to live: Take care of yourself, have a good time, and make the most of whatever job you have for as long as God gives you life. And that’s about it. That’s the human lot. Yes, we should make the most of what God gives, both the bounty and the capacity to enjoy it, accepting what’s given and delighting in the work. It’s God’s gift! God deals out joy in the present, the now. It’s useless to brood over how long we might live.

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I realized this morning that this is the first time in my life that I'm truly having to live in the now. The first time in my life that I'm not counting down to something else, some milestone or new thing. And, I realize how much that scares me. I have a job now and started working. I am a nanny, and also the house cleaner. This week was my first week with the girls. They just moved down from Illinois. It's also been a roller coaster of emotions. The first day I got home after work and just cried because I was so stressed out and confused. I woke up the next morning still stressed out which only got worse when I couldn't find my keys. Very upset I finally found them and then cried because that whole ordeal. As the day went on though, I became more peaceful. I had a talk with my boss which helped because we were able to talk through a few miscommunications that had me worried. Now I'm at a place where I am peaceful about this job and feel like I can do it but also scared that I will be here longer than I would like. I've been a nanny before, and I have worked with kids my entire life, but this isn't something I want to do for my whole life. My heart is worship and ministry and I hope to one day find myself working for a church. 

So, this morning, as I was washing dishes, it hit me that I'm finally living completely in the present with nothing to look to in the future because I have no idea what my future holds. I mean, really, there has always been something to count down too. You count down to when you will finally be in high school, to when you can finally drive. I counted down to graduating high school. Then to when I started Masters Commission. While in XMC, I counted down to when I would graduate my first year. Then I looked to when I would start my second year and then eventually graduate and get my bachelors degree. I counted down to when I would leave to go to Romania, and then in Romania, I counted down to when I would be back home. There has always been something. 

I have an apartment, I have a job, and I have bills. Don't misunderstand me, I know there is a purpose in all of that. I'm thankful that I have these things. And, as scary as it is to me, I'm thankful for this season. I'm thankful because I know that it's in seasons like this, where I'm a little uncomfortable and a little scared, that I grow. It's during these times that I must depend completely on God and trust him to be everything that I need. 

So, I'm learning to live in the today. More so than ever before. There is a saying that wherever you are, be all there. I'm getting to relearn this and apply it. I don't know how long God will have me here and I don't know what to expect as far as my future goes. But, I know that God has me here for a reason. And, I know that He is with me. 

Live life where God has you and make the most of your time there. 

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[Psalm 118:24 AMP]

This is the day which the Lord has brought about; we will rejoice and be glad in it. 

Gentle Strength

The other day I was looking through some of my old journals from last summer and inside of one of them I found a list of words. These words were all words that I had written down that I desired to be. All things that I wanted my character to embody. I decided then that I would go through every single word and take time to study each one and see what God showed me about it and how I could use it in my life. The first word on my list was gentle. No surprise there considering gentleness is something that I have been praying about for over a year now. Even though I have studied up on gentleness, before I decided to do it again and see what else there was to learn about it. 

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[Matthew 11:29]

"Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, 

for I am gentle and lowly in heart, 

and you will find rest for you souls."

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After reading this, I determined that gentleness is a characteristic of who God is. Obviously I knew this already, but this time it really hit me. There are so many characteristics of God. He is so many things. And, gentle is one of them. I want to be like Christ. I want to be gentle. 

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[Philippians 2:5-11]

"Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross. Therefore God also has highly exalted Him and given Him the name which is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those in heaven and of those on earth, and of those under the earth, and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."

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What I have found in reading these verses is the strength that gentleness possesses. We often confuse gentleness as weakness. This isn't true. It is mighty and powerful. It is in God's gentleness that I find rest. It is in His rest that I find peace. By nature, I am a restless person. Not only physically, as far as my sleeping habits go, but also mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I exhaust myself over and over again. It takes true strength for me to find rest. It takes God's gentle heart. 

In Matthew 11:29, God said to take His yoke upon us. A yoke is a wooden bar of frame that joins two animals, like oxen or horses, so that they can pull a wagon, plow, etc. together. Here it is used figuratively of the restrictions that a teacher or rabbi would place on his followers. The word take here means to elevate or uplift from the ground. I am to take God's Spirit, His gentleness, and be that.

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I wanted to do this study because I wanted to be able to apply it in my day to day life. 

There are so many restless people around me. So many people who lack peace. 

If I find my rest and peach through God's gentle and humble heart, then I want to be that for those God has surrounded me with. It will take strength. It will take me dying to my flesh. It will take me being humble and being a servant. Gentleness is not weakness. It takes strength to look past yourself and your own desires and put someone else first. It is beautiful. It is sweet. It is strong. 

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[Zechariah 9:9]

"Rejoice greatly, O daughter of Zion! Shout O daughter of Jerusalem! 

Behold, your king is coming to you; He is just and having salvation, 

lowly and riding on a donkey,.."

Trusting during Uncertainty

I've been back in the states for three weeks now. In this time, there have been some major transitions in my life. Not only getting used to living in America again but also moving and finding a new church and job hunting. It all happened incredibly fast and though I was and still am peaceful about the move I still find myself wondering what I am doing. I am still looking for a job and that in itself can be stressful and a little frightening. One of the reasons I decided to make the move was because I applied for a job at a church. I had my interview earlier this week and I have been going over it again and again in my head. I believe with everything in me that this move was God ordained and that this season here will be good. I don't however know if the job I applied for is the one God has for me. I know that I am in a place where I am having to completely trust that whatever God is doing is good and that He will lead me where I need to go, and where I need to work. The more I think about my interview I keep going over the questions I was asked and my answers given. Regardless of if this is the job I'm suppose to get, which quite honestly, I'm not sure, I know that God used that interview to reaffirm some desires in my heart and remind me that He truly has called me to that. I answered worship as my passion, as my desire, as the area God has gifted me in and called me too. I would try and think of maybe some other answer but I couldn't, because it has and always will be worship that drives me. I left the interview a little confused because the more I tried to think about how I could be used in this particular job in a certain area of ministry all I could think about is how I could get involved in worship instead. Then I felt a little scared because I need a job and I just moved away from my home and well, here I am. Each day though, I feel God's peace over me and Him remind me to trust Him. That He is using everything, absolutely everything, to lead me into His perfect purpose for me. If that means He used an interview to reaffirm and redirect my passion and purpose, then Praise God! If that means He used a time of uncertainty to grow my trust and faith, Praise God! I was told this past Sunday at church to not despise the preparation because it is where my purpose is found. This is an unusual season of preparation for me. It is unlike any other process that I have found myself in. But, it is good, it is intentional, and it's leading me to a purpose far greater than anything I could have imagined. 

Trust God, even when everything around you in uncertain, He never is.