Standing Speechless

Today, I am speechless. 

And by speechless, I mean that I have about a million different things on my mind. 

A million thoughts that I don't quite know how to articulate. 

So, I will not try to. I will simply write what is burning in my heart. 

Every thought and emotion I am feeling I will do my best to write in words. 

And I pray that whoever reads this can be encouraged in some way, in whatever way you may need. 

 

-----
 

[I would be lying if I said that the last few months have been a walk in the park. In reality, they have been very difficult. I do not regret this season though. The things God has done in me far outweighs the hard times this season has and is bringing me. I find myself continually asking God for an increase in trust and faith. It is not easy.] 

[Looking back on my journal the past few weeks, I see myself asking God to be enough for me. I am realizing what a bold prayer that actually is. Everyday, He is faithful. Everyday, He becomes all that I need Him to be. He is my comforter, my peace, my counselor, my Father, and so much more. He has given me joy when I couldn't even see it near. He has given me strength when I didn't even have enough to get out of my bed. He has proven Himself to me over and over. Yet, I am still praying that He would be enough.] 

[I knew it was going to be hard. I knew it wasn't natural. I am a dreamer. In every aspect of the word. Sometimes I find myself in "lala" land dreaming up ridiculous scenarios and trying to figure out how I would react if they actually came true. Sometimes I dream for things to happen and pray that God would make a mental note in case He later wanted to "make it reality for me." He already knows those dreams though. He knows the desires of my heart. He knows about the things I long for, the things I hope for. And, He knows how very painful it is for me to ask Him to take them all. To ask Him to accept my very longings as an offering.] 

[I feel like an Indian giver. I give Him my desires and in the next moment I find myself crying for Him to give them back. Then I cry because I lacked the faith to believe that He would give me what I needed.] 

[This past week, God keeps reminding me to stand on His promises. Easy right? No. Not at all. Not for me anyway. I know God has promised good things for me. I don't know what those good things are though. And if we are being honest, I am very scared to believe what some of those promises are. I am fearful of deceiving myself.]

 

----- 

Notice how much of what I just wrote are all unfinished thoughts. Imagine that inside of your brain. That is exactly what I have been thinking on. God keeps telling me to stand. To stand firm in Him, and only Him. And, when I don't have the strength to stand, He reminds me that He will hold me up. He reminds me to stand on His promises. Even if I don't know what they are. When you stand on His promises, your hope is in Him. He tells me to stand for those who can't. And when I question how I can possibly do that for someone when I can't for myself, He shows me that as I hold them up he is carrying the majority of the weight. 

There is so much that I do not know. So much that I don't understand. I can't begin to even try. 

As I was driving home today after church and lunch with some friends, I simply didn't know what to say. I didn't understand why I was feeling certain things. I didn't understand really what emotions I was feeling. I was at a loss for words. And I cried. A lot. The only thing I could say was "Lord, I am speechless."I dont know what I am feeling. I don't know what I need. I don't have any beautiful words to pray to you. I don't understand this season entirely, I just know what you have done in me so far and that it is good. I don't know what your promises are. I am speechless." 

 God simply said "I know." 

 

[Psalm 139:1 AMP]

"O Lord, you have searched me [thoroughly] and have known me."

 

 

So to whoever this post finds. Wherever you are. Whatever you are going through.

"Beloved Son/Daughter, 

It is ok to not know it all. It is ok to not know what to say. I am with you in and through every season. Every tear and every laugh I have heard and memorized. Vulnerability with me is not only for when you understand your emotions. Sometimes vulnerability is simply telling me when you don't know. I have called you to stand firm in Me. I know you will not always have the strength to. But I am enough. I will hold you up when you can't stand any longer. I have called you to stand when you understand and when you don't. When you have words, and when you don't. Stand. And if you are speechless, then stand speechless. 

Love, 

Your King who knows." 

Stones

We've all done it. We aren't really sure where to read in our Bibles so we close it, ask God to show us something, and then open it randomly and read. I'm also sure that just like me, we open it and read, and then question what it was we just exactly read. It was suppose to be this divine revelation and all we got was that another nation turned away from God, the Israelites were still wandering in the desert, etc. Those stories are important but they weren't exactly what you were hoping for right? You were more expecting a big flashy neon sign that listed everything you were walking through and the steps to take to get through it signed with a nice "I love you, from God." Wouldn't that be nice right?  

  

Remember when I said God likes to show me things during the kids nap time? He doesn't disappoint. Today, I put on worship music, grabbed my Bible, and opened up to Isaiah 54. Instead of flipping to another page I sat there and read it. After reading it all I could think of was mercy and that God repeatedly gives out mercy to His people. I closed my Bible, got up and checked on the kids, and then sat back down. I opened my Bible and again I opened it to Isaiah 54. It was just a coincidence right? So I closed my Bible again. Then I opened it again. Right to Isaiah 54. Ok Lord, you have my attention!!! I read it over and over again.

In verse 11 it says that God will lay our stones with colorful gems, and our foundations with sapphires. It continues on talking about rubies, crystals, and precious stones. I always thought that this painted such a beautiful picture, but I really couldn't get it out of my mind. While thinking on it and looking up different stuff about this chapter the song "Come Thou Fount" came on. It stopped me in my tracks and I had to replay the song just so I could really focus on the words.

Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise

And teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
I'll praise the Mount I'm fixed upon it
Mount of God's unchanging love

Here I raise my Ebenezer
Hither by Thy help I come
Oh, and I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home

Oh Jesus, sought me when a stranger
Wondering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood

So to grace, how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be
And let Thy grace like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above

Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above

How just like us. Just like the people God was speaking to in Isaiah. We are prone to leave God. The one who loves us. The one who pours His mercy on us over and over. It is a cry to Jesus asking Him to seal our hearts to Him, because if it isn't in Him, it will wander. The line that said "Here I raise my Ebenezer" interested me.

1 Samuel 7:12
"Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen, and called its name Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far the Lord has helped us."

Ebenezer means stone of help.

In that chapter in 1 Samuel, Samuel was judging Israel and asking them to turn away from their foreign gods and prepare their hearts for the Lord. They were about to be attacked by the Philistines and asked Samuel to "not cease to cry out to God on their behalf to save them." God came through. He helped them. Then in the next chapter they reject Him again. We are a fickle people.
 

  

Isaiah 54

A Perpetual Covenant of Peace

"Sing, O barren, You who have not borne! Break forth into singing, and cry aloud, You who have not labored with child! For more are the children of the desolate Than the children of the married woman," says the Lord. "Enlarge the place of your tent, And let them stretch out the curtains of your dwellings; Do not spare; Lengthen your cords, And strengthen your stakes. For you shall expand to the right and to the left, And your descendants will inherit the nations, And make the desolate cities inhabited. "Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; For you will forget the shame of your youth, And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore. For your Maker is your husband, The Lord of hosts is His name; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel; He is called the God of the whole earth. For the Lord has called you Like a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, Like a youthful wife when you were refused," Says your God. "For a mere moment I have forsaken you, But with great mercies I will gather you. With a little wrath I hid My face from you for a moment; But with everlasting kindness I will have mercy on you," Says the Lord, your Redeemer. "For this is like the waters of Noah to Me; For as I have sworn That the waters of Noah would no longer cover the earth, So have I sworn That I would not be angry with you, nor rebuke you. For the mountains shall depart And the hills be removed, But my kindness shall not depart from you, Nor shall My covenant of peace be removed," Says the Lord, who has mercy on you. "O you afflicted one, Tossed with tempest, and not comforted, Behold, I will lay your stones with colorful gems, And lay your foundations with sapphires. I will make your pinnacles of rubies, Your gates of crystal, And all your walls of precious stones. All your children shall be taught by the Lord, And great shall be the peace of your children. In righteousness you shall be established; You shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear; And from terror, for it shall not come near you. Indeed they shall surely assemble, but not because of Me. Whoever assembles against you shall fall for your sake. "Behold, I have created the blacksmith Who blows the coals in the fire, Who brings forth an instrument for his work; And I have created the spoiler to destroy. No weapon formed against you shall prosper, And every tongue which rises against you in judgment You shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, And their righteousness is from Me," Says the Lord. "

 

A perpetual covenant of peace. A never ending, unchanging, everlasting covenant of peace. That is the title of this chapter. Not a perpetual covenant that we will not suffer. A covenant that we will have peace.  The last verse says that "No weapon formed against you shall prosper, And every tongue which rises against you in judgment You shall condemn."

No weapon formed against you shall steal your peace when you are sealed with Christ! It said that "this is our heritage of the servants of the Lord." That word servants means worshippers. When I think of a worshipper I don't think of a fickle people that love God one day and reject Him the next. I think of people who, like in that song, know that their flesh is weak and seek to be chained to Christ so that they can't wander away from Him.

I found myself this morning with a very heavy heart. There is so much brokenness around me. I see it everywhere I go. So many hurting people around me. So much suffering.

 

My lovely and encouraging friend Renee' gave me this book a few weeks ago called "His Princess Warrior- Love letters for Strength from Your Lord." Every morning I read a love letter from my Heavenly Father and the prayer that goes with it. This morning's letter was a letter of encouragement to rebuild what is broken. That I shouldn't be overwhelmed by the brokenness I see around me. That like Nehemiah He has given me all that I need. I only need to put my hands to work. One stone at a time. He is the Master Builder and through Him peace can be brought.

Jesus promised us peace in Him, and He has given us the tools we need to show peace to all that is broken around us. He is our stone of help. He has equipped you. Seal your hearts to Him.
One stone at a time.

 

 

 

 

 

Lay Down Lover

Everyday after lunch the kids have quiet time/nap time. I wish I could say this time came around everyday with ease, but that is never the case. Instead I find myself constantly having to go into the girls room and telling them to take a nap, then walk over to Brandon's room and tell him to stop hitting the wall so the girls can sleep. It's a process that always takes at least an hour, maybe two. Eventually though, after tears, complaints, and fear of not getting a snack, they finally do what they are suppose to and I have an hour or so to myself again.

 

I would be lying if I told you I didn't enjoy this time.

 

And no, it's not because it's an hour of uninterrupted quality time with Pinterest.

[Although, that's always a fun time too!]

It's because God has a way of showing me something in the sweetest of ways.

I get excited because I can't wait to see what He has for me that day!

 

Last week, I decided to go on Youtube and look up Bethel. I didn't have a specific song I wanted to listen to or anything. I just wanted worship music. Steffany Frizzell has to be one of my favorites. So when I saw one that was her singing 'The More I Seek You + Spontaneous Worship' to say I was excited is an understatement. It was 19 minutes long and it was absolutely beautiful. I remember the presence of God just falling over me while I sat on the couch listening. It was such a sweet moment of intimacy with the Lord that brought me to tears. I just sat there in awe at the love of God.

 

His love really is so amazing.

 

At one point in the song, when she goes into spontaneous worship, she begins to sing that God can love us more in one moment than any other lover could in an entire lifetime! Wow! That's all I can really say about that. One moment. Every moment. He loves us like that in every moment we have.

I still find myself thinking on this and just thanking God for loving me this way.

 

Then she sings something else, something that I have not been able to stop thinking about.

 

Being a lay down lover.

 

"We're gonna go where no one has gone before,

 We're gonna do what no one has done before,

We will be your lay down lovers, We will be your lay down lovers"

 

What does that even mean?

 

After listening to it day after day I wondered if it was simply a cry to Jesus telling him that we would be a people that weren't afraid to go to the ends of the earth and be His hands and feet. That we would go wherever He called us to go and we would do whatever He called us to do.

 

And yes, that is important and I know that God desires for us to have a heart that is obedient and submissive to do His Will.

 

But, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I really felt that there was so much more to this that I wasn't seeing. That being a lay down lover was so much more than that. God has so many sides of His character. New things that He shows me about Himself and I knew that there was something else to be learned from this. Something else I needed to see.

 

 Have you ever seen that commercial advertising a car and there tagline is that "and is better than or." The point was that "and" was always more appealing. Like having a police officer who "protects and serves" is much better than one who "protects or serves." 

 

That was the missing puzzle piece! I finally understood! I kept thinking about it as "and." That I would go where God called me, do what He called me to do, and be His lay down lover. I never once thought that being His lay down lover was me going where no one else went and doing what no one else did. God is calling for a generation of believers who love Him with a pure and intimate love. Who lay down their lives in complete submission to Him to do His Will simply because they love Him. I believe that being a lay down lover is so out of our character. Our flesh doesn't want to lay down our desires. Our flesh cannot even love that way.It's so unlike who we are. That's what makes it so very beautiful. When you die to your flesh and lay down your life to your Heavenly Father.

 It's also why it's so rare. Why doing that is doing what no one else does.

 It's not easy. It's very hard. But oh, it is so worth it.

 

[John 15:9-17 NKJV]

"As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My Love.

If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father's commandments and abide in His love.

These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full.

This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.

Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends.

You are My friends if you do whatever I command you,

No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you.

You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you. These things I command you, that you love one another."

 

He has chosen you, appointed you. He has promised you fruit that will remain.

Abide in Him, abide in His love.

Become the lay down lover He is seeking.

 

------

 

To listen to the song click the link below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U5RQSQdq2n4

 

 

 

 

True Dependence

I've always loved writing. Anyone who knows me well can testify to that. I enjoy it so much that when I was bored I used to rewrite my notes from school just so I could write something, anything. Weird I know, but we all have our quirks right? Yet even loving it that much I never thought I could write a blog. Me? I mean what could I possibly write that would even be remotely interesting? And so for years I just put that idea safely in the back of my mind. Tucked away never to be disturbed. Or so I thought anyway. Until last night when while talking to a friend about the wonderful things God is showing me and preparing me for she mentioned that I should write a blog about all the adventures God takes me on. And the beast[figuratively speaking of course] was unleashed. I went to sleep that night, slept like I usually do, which is off and on, woke up, and started my morning routine which includes a time to journal. God has been showing me a lot recently and so I have a lot to talk about. A lot of thoughts that I jot down so I don't forget [which I have a feeling my future, older self will appreciate one day] And it just clicked, I can do this! I have words that God has given me that I just can't keep to myself anymore! I have moments that I need to share! And thus begins my blog...

- - - - - - -

After living away from home for two years and then coming back, I knew it would be an interesting transition. Yet, I still wasn't completely prepared. I've always been surrounded by people, family or friends. My mom always said I was a social butterfly because I've never had a problem making friends. I always found this term funny. Sure, I have friends, lots in fact. But social and butterfly aren't exactly words I would have picked to describe my personality. I'm not exactly the most social person. I like quiet, and I like silence, and sometimes I like being by myself. And when I picture a butterfly, I just don't picture me. I don't really know what a butterfly's personality would be like if it was a human, but I just can't picture it would be like mine. I still spent most of my time in high school with other people though. I was always going to someone's house, church, etc. I still had time to myself but I always had access to social outings whenever I wanted it. Then move forward to when I moved out and went to Masters Commission. Boy was that a transition! I went from some time to myself to literally none! When you live with three other girls you aren't really ever alone. I remember times during my first year where I would sit in my car simply because I wanted to think without people around. Over time I got used to it though. I liked the fact that I could walk into my living room or go to the apartment next door and have girls who I could talk to and do life with. It became my new normal. It became comfortable. God never let's us stay comfortable for very long. Moving back home to Port Barre [the town with one stop light in the middle of nowhere] suddenly became foreign. All of my close friends and the people I spent the last two years with are thirty minutes away. In reality that's not very far but it felt like an eternity away. It became difficult to make plans. Everyone has different work schedules and gas is expensive and this and that. My dad travels a lot and so he isn't home very often, and my mom takes care of her mom, aunt, brother, etc. I found myself with an abundance of alone time that became overwhelming. I craved interaction with people. I babysit three kids ages 7, 6, and 4. Yikes! I know! And you can about imagine the conversations I have are not very deep. They usually involve things like "don't hit your sister" and "no you cannot put your mud pies in the fridge." I battled with feeling isolated and alone for several weeks. Cried out to God about so much and asked for wisdom and understanding and trust. Heaps and heaps of trust. And crazy of all crazy, God delivered!
----
[Proverbs 3:13-18 NKJV]
"Happy is the man who finds wisdom, And the man who gains understanding; For her proceeds are better than the profits of silver, And her gain than fine gold. She is more precious than rubies, And all the things you may desire cannot compare with her. Length of days is in her right hand, In her left hand are riches and honor. Her ways are ways of pleasantness, And all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her, And happy are all who retain her.
---
God gave me the wisdom and understanding I asked for and with that came the promise of peace, joy, and happiness. He showed my what dependency is.

Dependent
[adj.]contingent on or determined by
[noun] a person who relies on another, esp. a family member, for financial supper.

I find the first part interesting. Dependent- to be determined by. What was I determined by? The place I lived? The people I spent time with? The ministry I was apart of? How is it that we miss such a fundamental truth sometimes?  The only thing I should ever be determined by is Christ. It was convicting. I had to take time to repent. To ask God to help me be dependent[determined] only on Him. It says in Proverbs 16:9 that a man's heart plans his way, but The Lord directs [or determines] his steps. Yet sometimes we try and take the responsibility ourselves. And we fail. We always will. My good isn't anywhere near God's good. And to put my hope in my own ability is foolishness.
---
[Psalm 62:5-8 GNT]
" I depend on God alone; I put my hope in Him. He alone protects and saves me; He is my defender, and I shall never be defeated. My salvation and honor depend on God; He is my strong protector; He is my shelter. Trust in God at all times, my people. Tell Him all your troubles, for He is our refuge."
---

When you become completely dependent in God it brings about the purest of joy. I thought I had joy when I was with friends doing fun things, and that if I wasn't around that environment I wasn't really happy. I viewed my time alone as a curse when really it was the most beautiful of blessings. The deep and meaningful conversation I craved when watching those kids I found. Not in another person, but in My King. We share some pretty intimate conversations. The laughter I missed from time spent with friends God gives me, usually in some of the most simplest ways. I am not alone. I have my best friend with me wherever I go. I am not lacking. I am fulfilled. I have joy. Not because of people, but because of Jesus! How beautiful it is when God becomes enough! Be blessed!