Beautifully Broken

I talk a lot about vulnerability and the freedom it brings. So today, I will be vulnerable. Today I will share places in my heart that are special and painful. 

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All week God has been telling me to remember His faithfulness. To remember His promises. To not give up. I've wanted to! I knew I wouldn't but sometimes in the weariness when you just don't see how you have the strength to make it, it's all you feel you can do. 

On Wednesday I told myself I wasn't going to go to youth that night. Even if I got off early enough I had made up my mind that I was not going to go! Don't get me wrong I love youth. It wasn't because I was starting to fall away and didn't want to be at church or anything. I was just exhausted. I was weary. I was broken. And, frankly, I didn't want to put on a front of being ok when at that moment I wasn't. You see, the night before I was alone and just listening to music having a pretty good time by myself. Then a pain that was unlike anything hit me. It literally knocked me to the ground. I started gasping for air. I couldn't breathe. I cried so hard that I had a migraine, threw up, and got a sore throat. This lasted about two hours until I was so worn out that all I could do was go to sleep. So when I woke     up Wednesday morning to swollen eyes and a numb face church was definitely not on my list of top places to go. Back to bed was where I wanted to be. 

About an hour after I woke up my friend Hannah texted me and told me she was going to youth that night. No matter how I'm feeling, if she says she will be there, I will do anything in my power to be there with her.  She has been a friend of mine since middle school and I love her so much. I know God has amazing things planned for her and I want to be a support to her in her walk with Christ. I told her I didn't know what time I would get off but that I would try my hardest to be there. And, I knew I would try. Despite my feelings I would do my absolute best. 

I got off of work early that day. With more than enough time to go home and get ready and head to church. When I got there I texted her that I was there and called her and there wasn't a response. She didn't show up. But, God did. The message was about God's faithfulness, broken seasons, and waiting. Everything that was said was what I needed to hear. Everything that was said was exactly what I am walking through. I cried the entire service. And, I literally mean the entire time. I got another headache because I cried so hard. On the way there I was telling God how tired I was, how much I just wanted to give up, only to hear it spoken over me several times to not give up. To go through the valley even if I have to crawl my way through. And, sometimes I will have to crawl through. 

God got my attention that night. He gave me the strength to get back up again. To embrace the hard moments as they come, because they will. This season is not over yet. Oh, but it will be one day

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Lord, renew me today, and during this time here, show me Your beauty. Bring me refreshment. Breathe into me. Let me feel your presence. Reveal yourself to me. God, be my strength. Walk me through. Don't let me linger. You are good and Holy. Show me reminders today. Don't let me forget. Embrace me like the tide embraces the shore. 

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That is what I wrote Friday morning in my journal as I sat on a balcony in Destin, Florida looking at the ocean. That was my prayer.

The beach is one of my absolute favorite places to be. I love the way the sand feels between my toes and I love the smell of the salt water. I can sit in one spot for hours and stare at the sea and its beauty never fails and the image never gets old. When I walked out on that balcony my first morning there I felt relief. Relief because I knew God was going to do something special for me. And, if I'm being honest, relief to be away from everything else. 

I walked to the beach that day and while my family sat behind me talking and my niece and nephew ran around playing, I stood off to the side, my feet the only thing in the water and just prayed. I did not move for a very long time. I was completely still and completely vulnerable. I asked God questions. I poured out my heart. I asked more questions. I marveled at the beauty of His creation. I thanked Him for His goodness, and then I left. 

It was overcast that day (it was actually overcast the whole trip). And, at around four that afternoon it started to rain and it was incredibly windy. I went onto the balcony and sat on the ground. I watched the rain and the waves and knew God did that for me. I absolutely love the rain. It was beautiful and perfect. I remember asking God for a rainbow. I asked Him to reveal His promise to me. I was asking Him to renew my hope. Then I journaled again. 

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...standing at the edge of the shore I find myself able to be vulnerable again. I hear Your still small voice whispering to me. Encouraging me. Reminding me of Your love. Whispering hope to me. It is raining now, and cold, and absolutely beautiful to me. Because I feel you. I see you in the storm. I see the beauty in it. God make this storm beautiful. Jesus breathe life and hope to me. Renew and refresh. Give me moments with you. More moments. As the water and shore never part, You never leave me. Give me more of you Jesus.

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At about that time the people in the condo below us started feeding the birds. So to my delight about 20 birds started flying right outside of my balcony. I love birds! I don't know what it is about them but they fascinate me. It doesn't matter what kind, I just find them all intriguing. I grabbed my phone to take some pictures and then thanked God again. He did that for me too. He gave me the ocean, he gave me rain, and he gave me birds. He was giving me moments. 

I forgot about the rainbow. I went inside and spent some time with my family. Then my sister Sarah walked in and said that we had to go see the sunset outside. That it was breathtaking. I walked outside and the first thing I saw wasn't the sunset but a rainbow. A rainbow just for me. A rainbow that was painted on one side of the sky with the sunset on the other side. It wasn't the most beautiful rainbow I've seen as far as the way it looked. What made it beautiful was the signature from God. The love letter that it was from Him telling me He loved me. That He hears me. That He is beside me. That even though my doubt causes me to question sometimes, He is faithful and He has promised. That I do know His voice and that I have heard from Him. It said that He was proud of me and that I am His beloved. 

I almost fell on the ground because I was so overwhelmed. I forgot that I even asked Him for it. He didn't forget. He remembers. He remembers my desires. He knows what I love. He knows how to speak to me. He knows my heart. 

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I don't talk about the pain I am experiencing so openly for sympathy (but if I happen to cross your mind, please pray for me). I talk about it for hope. I don't know what valley you are walking through. I don't know what battle you are fighting. All I know is that there is hope. I will not tell you that this season will end soon. I don't know when it will for me let alone you. I will not tell you that the pain will become more bearable, or lessen in intensity. I don't find that to be true for myself. I find that as time goes on sometimes the pain hits me at random, with great intensity. I do ,however, find that in those moments, my transparency with God has increased. My trust is becoming greater. He fills me up each time with what I need to get through. There is hope in Him who knows. Sometimes that is all I have to cling to. The knowledge that He knows. And, he does. He is faithful. He is so faithful. I tell you this because I understand. I understand what weary and tired feel like. I understand what brokenness looks like. I understand that sometimes you want to lie and rest. I understand that sometimes you feel like there is no fight left in you. God has not allowed me to give up. Each time I've wanted to, He moved in a way that leaves me with no doubt that He is with me. When I asked Him to carry me, He has held me tightly and walked me through. Don't give up. He is fighting for you. He is your hope. You may be broken, but He is making you beautiful. Beautifully Broken.

Believe Beloved.

Undignified Worship

I have recently been introduced to the wonderful world of Snapchat, and I am addicted. In case you don't know, Snapchat is an app where you and your friends can send pictures to each other like a text, but you can only view the picture for up to 10 seconds and then it is gone forever. So naturally, this would mean that we would send the most embarrassing and unattractive pictures of ourselves to each other without fear of future blackmail.

 

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I absolutely hated pictures. I did not like to take them and anyone who pointed a camera in my general direction was asking to get slapped. [To whomever my vicious rage found if you happened to be the owner of a camera that was ever directed at me, I apologize. May you not hold that unfortunate moment against me, and if you would like proof, I will gladly pose for you again with a sweet demeanor.]

 

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I wrote a few posts ago about how God had changed a lot in me, especially the way I viewed myself. It got me to thinking about King David and his "undignified" worship. He went into the streets and danced and his wife Michal who looked out of the window hated him for it. She rebukes him for it when he comes back and his response always gets me to thinking about my own worship.

 

[2 Samuel 6:21-22 NKJV]

"So David said to Michal, "It was before the Lord, who chose me instead of your father and all his house, to appoint me ruler over the people of the Lord, over Israel. Therefore I will play music before the Lord. And I will be even more undignified than this, and will be humble {humiliated -NIV} in my own sight. But as for the maidservants of whom you have spoken, by them I will be held in honor."

 

David wasn't afraid to humiliate himself in the eyes of the world to worship his King. [Disclaimer- I am not advocating getting naked and dancing in the streets, in fact, please don't do that.] But, how many times do we hold back our worship for fear of what people would think. We may lift our hands, because everyone else does in church and that is considered "holy" worship. Normal worship. Acceptable worship. But, haven't you ever just wanted to jump and dance? I am sick and tired of acceptable worship before people that lacks passion and sincerity before My King.

 

I have noticed that my worship looks different. I keep asking God to make me passionate and to make me a worshipper. My worship does not look like the person next to me, and it shouldn't. Most of the time in worship I now find myself on my knees sobbing. I'm pretty sure people think I have some serious issues because they see me crying every week. I mean sure, I have things I am dealing with, but I usually am crying because God's presence is just so strong and so sweet. I think that people are afraid to get vulnerable in their worship because they don't want people to assume things. Worship should never be about other people though. If your heart is yearning for you to dance before the Lord, then dance. Dance like a crazy person for all I care.  If you want to jump, then by all means jump. If everyone stopped focusing on what others worship looked like and just got undignified before Jesus how much freedom would we all be walking in!! It would be completely beautiful.

 

[John 4:23-24 NKJV]

"But the hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshippers will worship the Father in spirit and truth; for the Father is seeking suck to worship Him. God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth."

 

Where are the true worshippers? Where are the sons and daughters that will get undignified before their King? Where is the generation that will lose sight of the opinions of others and focus on the opinion of the Lord? This world needs some passionate worshippers. This world needs people willing to sacrifice status and normality and just be real. Vulnerability is and always will be the truest form of freedom. God wants us to be free.

 

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And now for your own personal entertainment, here are some of my favorite Snapchat poses.

(We shall call this one the "surprised face")

(Um, not really sure) 

(Confused maybe?)

(Cross-eyed, I happen to be too talented with this one) 

(My personal favorite, The Squirrel)

(And I'm case you think I'm crazy, a normal one) 

 

 

A Willing Heart

My first year in masters God called me to missions. Thinking back on how it happened always makes me smile at how God works. I entered the year with the idea that I would do worship and it was going to be great. Missions was never even a thought in my mind, at all! I've always loved traveling but the idea of living on the mission field was never an exciting thought to me. When the time came to pick which institute I would be in that year, I looked at the paper and suddenly I didn't know what to do. In that moment I had a conflict. Missions or worship? And then on top of that, I was confused because I didn't understand why there was a conflict to begin with. So I circled both which meant that I needed help deciding and turned it in. Then, Pastor Shawn and Mrs. Nichole called me up to explain why I couldn't pick between the two. The words that came out of my mouth shocked me! I said, "because I love worship and it's a gift God gave me, but he has called me to the mission field." What?!?!? In that moment I wanted to slap myself and ask me why I would ever say something so absurd. Pastor Shawn looked at me and said, "then it's obvious, you are in missions." 

The peace that I felt in that moment was unreal. I questioned many times if the mission field was really where God was calling me to, and He gave me several conformations throughout the year. I accepted the call, but I didn't understand what it was going to require of me until very recently. 

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Yesterday I read a book called "The Barbarian Way" by Erwin Raphael McManus.  It was a really quick and easy read and I finished it in a few hours. The book started off with a scripture in Judges talking about Jephthah. This was not the basis of the book, but rather just a reference to one of the points they were making. Where it led me has nothing to do with what I learned in the book. (Although I do recommend the book and did find it challenging) 

After finishing the book I couldn't get Jephthah out of my mind so I grabbed my Bible and turned to Judges so I could read all of his story. He was cast from his father's house by his brothers and dwelt in a land that was not his own. Later, when the people of Ammon made war against Israel the elders went to Jephthah and asked him to be their commander against the people of Ammon and lead them to victory. He agreed and returned and began to prepare. 

[Judges 11:29-33]

Jephthah's Vow and Victory

"Then the Spirit of The Lord came upon Jephthah, and he passed through Gilead and Manasseh, and passed through Mizpah of Gilead; and from Mizpah of Gilead he advanced toward the people of Ammon. And Jephthah made a vow to The Lord, and said, "If You will indeed deliver the people of Ammon into my hands, then it will be that whatever comes out of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the people of Ammon, shall surely be the Lord's, and I will offer it up as a burnt offering." So Jephthah advanced toward the people of Ammon to fight against them, and The Lord delivered them into his hands. And he defeated them from Aroer as far as Minnith- twenty cities- and to Abel Keramim, with a very great slaughter. Thus the people of Ammon were subdued before the children of Israel."

That was a very bold vow he made to God. I imagine that upon his return home he found himself in a very nervous state waiting to see what or who he would have to offer to God. I'm sure I would be scared. As I read on to see the outcome of that vow I was left in complete awe. 

[Judges 11:34-40] 

Jephthah's Daughter

"When Jephthah came to his house at Mizpah, there was his daughter, coming out to meet him with timbrels and dancing; and she was his only child. Besides her he had neither son nor daughter. And it came to pass, when he saw her, that he tore his clothes, and said, " Alas, my daughter! You have brought me very low! You are among those who trouble me! For I have given my word to The Lord, and I cannot go back on it." So she said to him, " My father, if you have given your word to The Lord, do to me according to what has gone out of your mouth, because The Lord has avenged you of your enemies, the people of Ammon." Then  she said to her father, "Let this thing be done for me: let me alone for two months, that I may go and wander on the mountains and bewail my virginity, my friends and I." So he said, "Go." And he sent her away for two months; and she went with her friends, and bewailed her virginity on the mountains. And it was so at the end of two months she returned to her father, and he carried out his vow with her which he had vowed. She knew no man. And it became a custom in Israel that the daughters of Israel went four days each year to lament the daughter of Jephthah the Gileadite." 

There is so much in those few verses that speak wonders of the character of Jephthah's daughter, and after reading it several times I believe there are a few things we can glean from this woman. I try and imagine how I would feel and react if this were me. I had just planned a big celebration for my fathers return home from war with dancing and music and the first words he says to me are that "you have brought me very low," and "you are among those who trouble me." Wow! I'm pretty sure those were not the words she was expecting. It goes on and he says that he has made a vow to The Lord and he cannot go back on it. Rather than try to beg and plead, she immediately responds that he must do to her what he has vowed. I don't know about you, but I would probably be throwing a fit saying "Woe is me!" She then asks for two months to go into the mountains with her friends (female companions) and bewail her virginity. After the two months, she returns, and the vow is carried out.

I don't believe the vow was that he would kill his daughter. Human sacrifice was not allowed and I don't think he would have made a vow to God that was against God's law. Many Bible scholars agree that the vow was that she would be devoted completely to God. She would never marry or have kids and her life became a service to God. Jephthah had no other children so this would also mean that his name would not be carried into future generations. It was a sacrifice for both of them. 

I'm not saying that God is asking me to sacrifice something like the possibility of ever getting married(in fact, on the contrary, I believe He has called me to marry and have kids one day), but after reading this I am challenged in how I will respond when God does call me to sacrifice things. I wonder if there was a part of her that thought about running away when she was in the mountains those two months, and just not going back. She didn't though, she returned, and she faced the sacrifice with trust that God was worth it. 

God is continually calling me to a place of sacrifice. God is calling me to go places and let go of my comforts of home or always knowing where I am going. 

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My friend Robin would always joke that God was going to call me to Africa because it was the one place that I didn't want to go. The idea of living there terrified me, plus when I think of Africa I think of heat, and I hate being hot! I came to the place where I said I would go if God asked me to, but there was no joy in my heart about it. Willingness with a crabby attitude is not a pretty thing. 

A few weeks ago I moved out of my parents house and into the house next door. It was built for my aunt who is now in the nursing home and it is in my parents yard. I still have them next door (literally like 15 feet away) if I need anything, but I also have a place to myself the rest of the time. In this home of mine, there is one window unit to cool off the entire house, and the air does not circulate very well. I have a big industrial fan in the hallway so that I can try and get air into the bedroom at night. One night, it was just not doing its job and it was miserably hot. I laid in bed with no blankets on just praying. I said "God, if you are preparing me for Africa and the heat you sure picked a fantastic way to do so!" Looking back on that now I laugh, but in that moment, I was so serious.  

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I do not know if God is calling me to Africa. I do not know where I will go. All I know is that God is calling me to a place where I am willing to sacrifice my comforts and pursue him. I find that each and every day He is giving me a heart that desires to be yielded and willing to His calling. If he wants me to spend the rest of my life in the jungle of Africa with a tent as my home, then that tent will be my place of rest and joy. If he calls me to Russia, China or the middle of Port Barre, Louisiana, then my heart is open and willing to sacrifice my own comfort to be with Him.  

Jephthah's daughter wouldn't have chosen that life for herself. She went into the mountains for two months to weep over the sacrifice she was going to have to make. But, after that was done, she willlingly went where her Father called her. I believe on that mountain she found her peace and her joy in Christ. That her willingly heart was filled with the joy of her King and in knowing that she would be found in Him. 

I had my "mountain time." My "two months of bewailing" so to say. But there comes a time where we must decide if we will run from the sacrifice and calling because of fear, or if we will willingly step into that life with the joy and fulfillment of Christ. 

Reflections

I have been known to make sarcastic comments while driving. It was my way of letting out my frustration when a car would cut me off or something like that. Instead of yelling I would usually say something along the lines of "Really? That is just beautiful!" It was also usually accompanied by a nice roll of the eyes, a loud sigh, and a shaking of the head.

The other day, I was driving home from work when a car decided that instead of getting into the next lane so I could get on the highway, it would just wait and wait until it was next to me and I was completely stopped to get over. It had been a long day and I wanted to just be home and I was frustrated that the driver was so inconsiderate. So I lifted my hand and said "Really? You couldn't have just moved over and let me in?" Immediately after those words left my mouth I felt convicted. I said "I'm sorry Lord for my attitude, forgive me."

A constant prayer of mine the past few months is that I would be gentle. I have always been known for my sarcasm. I was actually voted most sarcastic girl in my senior class in high school. I never gave it much thought. I just accepted it as who I was. Yet, I also knew that I could be the sweetest and most gentle person if I wanted to be. But, it's very hard to be known as sweet and gentle, and sarcastic.  They don't exactly go together. I had to choose what I wanted to be known by. The sarcastic woman whose witty comments made people laugh and gained praise from the world? Or, the gentle woman whose quiet spirit brought refreshment to a dying world and pleased her Father? The answer should be obvious right? But flesh is never easy to die to. 

So began my journey two months ago to become the gentle woman God has called me to be. I began praying scriptures over myself everyday. 

[Ephesians 4:2]

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." 

[Philippians 4:5]

"Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near."

[Colossians 3:12]

"Therefore as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience." 

[1 Peter 3:4]

"Instead it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." 

Great worth in God's sight! Unfading beauty! Gentleness produces unfading beauty that God values! I began to desire it more than anything. I wanted to be that woman whose spirit brought encouragement and peace to those around. 

I have been told a few times the last few weeks that I was different. That something about me had changed. Jesus has changed me is my only response. And I'm so thankful!

I still slip. That was made very clear when I was driving. Everyday I have to surrender my attitude to Christ. Just this past Wednesday I made a comment to someone that wasn't rude, but it could have been said in a much sweeter way. I knew it right after I said it too, so I added a little please at the end. I walked away from that thanking God that He showed me the areas I still needed to grow in, and asked Him to help me get better.

There is a burden in my heart for the church. We need to pursue holiness at all cost. That means laying down things and accepting the process God wants to take us on in molding us to be more like Him. It means forsaking conformity and complacency. We have to reach a place where we no longer accept "the way we are" as the way God wants us to be. That very well may mean letting go of habits and ways of thinking that we have walked in our entire lives. It is not an easy road,and the change will not happen overnight. But, God is faithful, and one day you will look back and see how God has moved inside you. It is time for us to be a reflection of our Father, not of this world. 

Painter's Hands

I love to paint. I grew up watching my mom paint and over the years I have developed a love for it. I am not the best, but something about it calms me. When I paint, my mind is relaxed from everything that I am dealing with and I can just focus on creating something.

 

I also make a complete mess every time. I get paint everywhere! It's all over my hands, my legs, my face, and the table!! I have tried to be super careful, but it doesn't matter. I will not leave my paint session unmarked.

 

Today was no different. I spent about 3 hours this morning just painting and it was so peaceful. I finished and started picking up all of my stuff and I stopped and just stared at my hands. They were completely covered in paint. I smiled and thought to myself, "Why do I always paint my hands and the canvas?" The very thing I was trying to create left a mark on me. There is no doubt if someone had walked in at that moment they would know that I had painted. They wouldn't have even had to know me or know that I liked painting. The evidence was all over me.

 

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God created absolutely everything. He created this world we see. He created you and me. And we, as His creation are forever imprinted on His hands. His hands are marked with us. No one else gets the glory for the beautiful workmanship that you are but Him. Just like no one gets the credit for creating something that I painted. The things that God does in you and through you are a testimony of who He is, not who we are. It is not in my own doing that I can be patient, gentle, or that I can even love purely. It is only because God has created those things in me.

 

This season that God has me in has been one of refinement and creation. God has been creating things in me that are completely new and wonderful. I see my character changing in a lot of different ways. I see boldness in areas where I lacked. I see confidence in areas where there was once insecurity. I see gentleness where there was once sarcasm. I am able to focus on the good where I was once only able to dwell on the hurt. These are all very beautiful things that I and no one else has credit in doing in me. The really cool thing though, is that myself, and everyone that I am surrounded by, gets to share in this new creation I am becoming through Christ.

 

You see, I didn't become this person who all of a sudden knows how to communicate or all of a sudden is secure in who she is. The truth in fact is that I was pretty much awful at communicating my thoughts and feelings. Not because I wanted to be, I just didn't know how. And, I lacked confidence in who God created me to be. I believed that everyone who told me I was beautiful believed it. I just didn't believe it myself exactly. These two areas of my life I have prayed for God to change in me numerous amounts of time. The thing was though, I was praying that I would be made new in these areas for other people, not for Him. I can never expect to communicate with people I love if I can't with my Heavenly Father. It wasn't until I was able to get vulnerable with God that I was able to effectively communicate with others. And, the way I see myself now, I see through the eyes of Christ. This means no one else gets the glory for the way I see myself. Because, it is not from their words that I believe, but from God's truth that I know.

 

God's hands are marked with everything He has created inside of me. But, the painting He has made in me is on display for others to see and share in.

 

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You are a beautiful masterpiece designed by God. Don't steal His glory for the creation you are and are becoming and give it to someone else, or to yourself. Instead, give Him praise and honor, and let others marvel at the wonder of Christ and share in the blessing that you are.

 

 

[Isaiah 64:8 AMP]

"Yet, O Lord, You are our Father; we are the clay, and You our Potter, and we all are the work of Your hand."