Sick Day

I woke up this morning at four with a really itchy and irritated throat. I'm sure everyone can testify to how uncomfortable that feels. I laid in my bed for about thirty minutes hoping I would just fall back asleep and it would go away. When I couldn't fall back asleep I decided I would go take some medicine. So with all the strength I could muster up I hopped out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom to grab some Benadryl. The light from the bathroom hurt my tired eyes and so I quickly poured the medicine into my mouth and turned the lights off. Then I was faced with this really awkward after taste in my mouth and I knew I needed some water. So with no lights on and only my hands to guide the way I found my way into the kitchen and got a water bottle. I somehow was able to find my way back to bed only running into the couch and dresser once. I'm not sure how long it took for the medicine to kick in but eventually I fell into a very hard sleep. When I finally woke up for good this morning I didn't feel like myself. I felt tired and drained and really weak. Over the past twenty years of my life I have come to learn the way my body works and I know when I am getting sick. I can feel it. So I went about my morning routines and then went next door to have breakfast with my mom. After breakfast I could feel my eyes closing and so I did what I normally do when I am sick and not feeling good. I grabbed a blanket and pillow and curled into a ball on the couch and slept.

 

It wasn't just a cold or my allergies acting up. I felt like I did whenever I was coming down with a fever. I get super weak. I can't walk. I don't want to eat, and I have these random hot flashes and chills that alternate every ten minutes or so. My head didn't feel hot though. So I didn't have a fever I just felt awful. So I laid on that couch until three this afternoon. Only moving to switch sides that I was sleeping on. I got up maybe twice the whole time and each time I did get up pretty much took an act of congress because I was so weak.

 

Then I did something that I never do when I am sick. I got up and fixed me something to eat. I ate and then I walked around the house for a little while trying to give myself some energy. I actually started to feel a little better too. But, then I went back to the couch and laid there for awhile again.

 

When I'm sick, I don't ever leave the house. So it's not like I was rolling around in a puddle of mud or anything. But, I always want a hot shower when I'm sick. I don't know why. Call it tradition if you want, but that's what I do. I also always feel awful after a shower or bath and not very long after I am running fever. So what do I do? I take a hot shower. (Sometimes I wonder if common sense just leaves my body completely when I am not feeling well)

 

I started feeling weak right when I got out.

 

No surprise there.

 

So, I got back into my little ball on the couch and laid down like the pathetic girl that I was. I started thinking about different things. I was thinking about the last time I was sick and then I got to thinking about every time I have been sick over the last year. I don't know why I started thinking about this, but I did. I started thinking about how the only times that I have ever eaten anything when I wasn't feeling good was when someone made me. I was thinking about all the people that have taken care of me when I was sick over this past year and everything they did to make me feel better. About my roommates who would pray over me and make me laugh. I realized I was never sick longer than a day at a time this year. I was encouraged to get better and do things to help myself get better.

 

So as I laid on the couch, not feeling good, thinking about all of this, I recalled how I got up earlier and I fixed myself food and I walked around and how I felt after I did those things. I felt tired still, but I wasn't as weak as I was when I just laid there not moving.

 

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We all have sick days sometimes. Physically and spiritually. It's important that we don't allow ourselves to just lay there and hope that it will pass soon. We must choose to actively do something. God rewards faith in big ways. You may start off slow. Holding on to anything near you so that you don't fall down. But, with each step you take your strength will increase.

 

I think that we get scared too easily. We have been walking this path and we see God's hand upon us and we feel great and then all of a sudden we "get sick" and we panic because we weren't expecting it.

 

This past week has been wonderful for me as far as my joy. I have kept myself fairly busy this past week. I've been doing a lot of things. Exploring new places. Developing new passions.

 

So when I woke up this morning not feeling good I didn't know what to do. I had been so busy and here I was with nothing to do and not feeling good. And, I so easily found myself in my old routine for "sick days."

 

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I'm thankful for God's grace and for His gentle voice that speaks to me. I had allowed myself to think that the reason I have been doing so good or the reason I had this new joy was because I was occupying myself with doing things. And, that when I wasn't doing those things I wouldn't be as joyful.

 

I have joy because Jesus gave me joy. Those passions that He is stirring up in me are from Him. There is no doubt in my mind that they aren't. But, I have joy in the quietness too. I have joy when the excitement of exploring and doing things isn't near. When it's just me alone in a house all day.

 

I have strength because he gave me strength. Not just for days when I am feeling great and like I can conquer the world, but also on days when my body is tired and I may not be up for much. I have strength when I actively pursue Christ and press on.

 

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Don't allow yourself to fall into your old routines because you are scared to walk. Don't let your "sick day" allow you to doubt what God has done in you and where He is taking you.  And, don't undermine quiet moments with Jesus. Quiet moments with Him does not mean you aren't walking. Never mistake busyness as holiness. Accept each moment as they come. In your busy days and your not so busy days. Take a step for each of them and walk through that day as God calls you to walk through it.

Practice His Presence

Wednesday night I went to youth and worship was absolutely incredible. The alter call lasted longer than it normally does and while I was worshipping and praying I felt like God gave me a picture in my head of what this process I am in looks like.  

It was pitch black and I could see the shadow of myself. Then as I kept looking I saw a light, which was Jesus, and He had a chisel in His hands.  He would chisel away at different pieces of me, but once He moved to a different part of me that piece that was chiseled away would come back. Then my shadow lifted both arms and just began to worship. Immediately once that happened I began to glow and every imperfection was covered. 

I didn't understand what it meant but I couldn't get it out of my head.  

Yesterday, me and my friend Lexi were just talking about the body of Christ and about character and as our conversation progressed to different things she said something and all of a sudden everything I saw clicked. We began to discuss personality and how we should never justify our personality with the excuse of "it's just the way we are," or "it's how we were made." We talked about how crazy it is that we can pray and pray to be patient or more gentle and we start to become that and then out of nowhere we get impatient or say something rude. It's like we view ourselves and our relationship with Christ as a stepping ladder. Once we mess up we take a step down. How exhausting. She mentioned that we are nothing outside of Christ and to practice His presence.  

It was around this time that the wheels in my head were turning and I put it all together. Christ never said that we would die to our flesh once and then bam,we would never deal with that issue or character flaw again. No, He said to die to our flesh daily! 

[Luke 9:23] 

"And he said to all, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."

Apart from Christ I am wicked, rude, and my personality, in all honesty, sucks. In the picture I saw, Christ was working on areas in me, and maybe for a little bit I was doing good, but the minute he left that area my flesh took over again. It was only when I praised Him and invited His presence to consume me that every part of me became beautiful. 

So, in the words of my lovely friend, practice His presence. When you begin to allow your personality to dictate how you treat people, practice His presence. When you are struggling with your character, practice His presence.  When you start to view your walk with God as a ladder where you can never reach the top, practice His presence. I am nothing but filthy rags without Him. But, when I welcome His presence freely and when my attitude stays one of worship, His glory and grace covers even the ugliest of places. 

[Genesis 17:1 AMP]

"When Abram was ninety-nine years old, The Lord appeared to him and said, I am the Almighty God; walk and live habitually before Me and be perfect (blameless, wholehearted, complete). 

Practice His Presence! 

God My Healer

God is a healer. Despite my own doubts and fears, He is and always will be a healer. God healed me.

The journey to this healing and beautiful revelation that I don't need to worry is quite amazing. At least I think so.

 

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On Sunday, I went to church and the message was about "What's in a Name?" That in the name of Jesus there is power. There is salvation, authority and healing!! The name of Jesus is life itself! We know this right? I think it's always good to be reminded though.

 

Healing was the last point in the sermon. And, at the end of the service there was a time for people to come and get prayed over. To declare and speak healing into there lives. There was an expectancy because we knew God was going to move on lives. His presence was so incredibly strong and you could feel the atmosphere change. The faith that arose in the hearts of everyone there was evident and could be felt.

 

I knew I needed a touch from God. I didn't know what for though. My heart? Yes, my heart definitely  needed a touch of healing from Him. My mind? Yes, I needed to be renewed and for thoughts of doubt to leave. A few weeks ago God laid on my heart to praise Him through every season. We all know this, but I needed to hear it again. That through every storm, no matter how hard to just praise Him. So in that moment, I decided I would just praise My God the Healer and trust that He would move in my life the way He knew I needed Him to.

 

There came a point where Pastor Jeff called everyone to just lift there hands and pray in agreement for those getting healed and for healing for ourselves. I remember saying, "God, I don't know what to ask healing for, I feel like there is so much, but you know." Then with hands lifted I prayed in tongues.

 

Not long after that Pastor Jeff had a word and said that someone had been dealing with insomnia for the last three months that was worse than it has ever been. That they were tired and weary but God has healed them.

 

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Let's go back three months now. Three months ago I began a new season of my life that was very difficult and painful. I also began a time of restlessness where I was not able to sleep. I was exhausted emotionally and physically but never reached a point where my exhaustion allowed me to get an actual good nights rest. Occasionally I would have bad dreams that would scare me. Often I would wake up in the middle of the night plagued by memories and worries that would keep me up the remainder of the night. I have never really had the best sleeping habits. I was used to waking up throughout the night and tossing and turning. This was different though. My mind was not at rest at all. At one point it had been about two weeks and I had not had any sleep. Maybe a total of one nights rest in two weeks. Physically I did not know how I was even functioning. I would get dizzy every time I stood up. My face looked sunken in. I had bags under my eyes. About two weeks ago I decided to ask for prayer from XMC alumni. I posted on the facebook page saying that I was weary and tired and was not able to sleep and asked them to agree with me in prayer that God would heal me completely of this. I took sleeping pills a few times this summer and those were the only times I actually got rest. But, God is a healer right? I don't want to depend on medicine. They aren't my healing. He is.

 

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So maybe you can imagine my reaction when Pastor Jeff said that someone who had been dealing with insomnia for three months was healed. I cried. Just broke down in full blown tears. Want to know something crazy!? I still questioned it! I still doubted.

"God there are a lot of people in this service. Maybe it's someone else who has been dealing with insomnia for three months. I didn't even pray specifically for you to heal me of that today." I thought all of those things.

 

As  I walked out of the service I had three people tell me they thought of me when he said that. All XMC alumni who had seen my post and been believing in healing for me.

 

Later that night, I was helping a friend of mine make things for her apartment. While looking through the Bible for some good scriptures I stumbled upon Romans 8.

 

[Romans 8:26-27]

"Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God."

 

I have read this many times before. I actually came across it earlier in the summer and it became a great comfort to me throughout this season. The Spirit Himself prays for me and intercedes for me. When I am weak and do not even know what to pray for the Spirit speaks for me.

 

When I read it that night it brought me back to earlier that morning when I told God I didn't know what to pray for so I prayed in the Spirit. Cool right? The Spirit prayed for me!

 

I wish I could say I was like "Glory to God I am healed!" That this story of healing ended there and that night I slept great. In reality, that is not actually what happened. I got home, I wrote in my journal, and I prayed. As I laid down to go to sleep, rather than the expectancy of a wonderful night of rest, I was confronted with all of my fears and worries. "What if it wasn't for me?" "What if God didn't heal me but the girl on the other side of the auditorium. You know the one who specifically asked for healing from insomnia."

 

I woke up that morning tired and confused. So I prayed. I told God about my fears. I confronted the issues of why I was scared to sleep at night. Why I had been afraid of the night for the past three months. I told Him that the night was always hardest for me. It was the only time of day where I couldn't run away from my thoughts because the silence of the night always brought them back to me. I was scared of the memories that always showed up at night. I was scared of having dreams that frightened me. And, that night, I was scared that if I didn't sleep good then I had misheard God and He didn't heal me. Thinking about it now, I have realized that my biggest fear is deceiving myself. I am so scared of believing something and it not happening. I'm scared of the pain and disappointment that it brings.

 

That morning I opened a devotional and all God spoke to me was faith and trust.

 

I know that God could have just let me have the great night of sleep to reaffirm who He is and that He is a healer and my faith and trust would have been increased. God knows how to speak to me though. I needed to believe without the sight of the promise. He has been asking me to believe over and over and over again. How crazy that He used this to show me how. I asked Christ to forgive me of my doubt and worries. I asked Him to increase my faith and trust.

 

Throughout the day I was just thinking through all of this. Everything God had revealed to me over these past three months. All of the changes He has made in me. One of the biggest things I kept thinking about was perspective. My perspective had changed. I saw it through the way I reacted. I could have been like "I knew it wasn't me He healed." I could have had so many negative thoughts. Instead I asked for forgiveness of my doubt and lack of faith and focused on truth.

Perspective matters.

 

That night, I didn't go to bed asking God to heal me. I went to sleep knowing I was already healed. I went to sleep knowing that God is good. That it was my own lack of faith and my own doubt that would hinder me from receiving the blessings God desires to give me.

 

I slept wonderful.

 

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[Proverbs 3:24]

"When you lie down, you will not be afraid; Yes, you will lie down and your sleep will be sweet."