God is a healer. Despite my own doubts and fears, He is and always will be a healer. God healed me.
The journey to this healing and beautiful revelation that I don't need to worry is quite amazing. At least I think so.
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On Sunday, I went to church and the message was about "What's in a Name?" That in the name of Jesus there is power. There is salvation, authority and healing!! The name of Jesus is life itself! We know this right? I think it's always good to be reminded though.
Healing was the last point in the sermon. And, at the end of the service there was a time for people to come and get prayed over. To declare and speak healing into there lives. There was an expectancy because we knew God was going to move on lives. His presence was so incredibly strong and you could feel the atmosphere change. The faith that arose in the hearts of everyone there was evident and could be felt.
I knew I needed a touch from God. I didn't know what for though. My heart? Yes, my heart definitely needed a touch of healing from Him. My mind? Yes, I needed to be renewed and for thoughts of doubt to leave. A few weeks ago God laid on my heart to praise Him through every season. We all know this, but I needed to hear it again. That through every storm, no matter how hard to just praise Him. So in that moment, I decided I would just praise My God the Healer and trust that He would move in my life the way He knew I needed Him to.
There came a point where Pastor Jeff called everyone to just lift there hands and pray in agreement for those getting healed and for healing for ourselves. I remember saying, "God, I don't know what to ask healing for, I feel like there is so much, but you know." Then with hands lifted I prayed in tongues.
Not long after that Pastor Jeff had a word and said that someone had been dealing with insomnia for the last three months that was worse than it has ever been. That they were tired and weary but God has healed them.
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Let's go back three months now. Three months ago I began a new season of my life that was very difficult and painful. I also began a time of restlessness where I was not able to sleep. I was exhausted emotionally and physically but never reached a point where my exhaustion allowed me to get an actual good nights rest. Occasionally I would have bad dreams that would scare me. Often I would wake up in the middle of the night plagued by memories and worries that would keep me up the remainder of the night. I have never really had the best sleeping habits. I was used to waking up throughout the night and tossing and turning. This was different though. My mind was not at rest at all. At one point it had been about two weeks and I had not had any sleep. Maybe a total of one nights rest in two weeks. Physically I did not know how I was even functioning. I would get dizzy every time I stood up. My face looked sunken in. I had bags under my eyes. About two weeks ago I decided to ask for prayer from XMC alumni. I posted on the facebook page saying that I was weary and tired and was not able to sleep and asked them to agree with me in prayer that God would heal me completely of this. I took sleeping pills a few times this summer and those were the only times I actually got rest. But, God is a healer right? I don't want to depend on medicine. They aren't my healing. He is.
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So maybe you can imagine my reaction when Pastor Jeff said that someone who had been dealing with insomnia for three months was healed. I cried. Just broke down in full blown tears. Want to know something crazy!? I still questioned it! I still doubted.
"God there are a lot of people in this service. Maybe it's someone else who has been dealing with insomnia for three months. I didn't even pray specifically for you to heal me of that today." I thought all of those things.
As I walked out of the service I had three people tell me they thought of me when he said that. All XMC alumni who had seen my post and been believing in healing for me.
Later that night, I was helping a friend of mine make things for her apartment. While looking through the Bible for some good scriptures I stumbled upon Romans 8.
[Romans 8:26-27]
"Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God."
I have read this many times before. I actually came across it earlier in the summer and it became a great comfort to me throughout this season. The Spirit Himself prays for me and intercedes for me. When I am weak and do not even know what to pray for the Spirit speaks for me.
When I read it that night it brought me back to earlier that morning when I told God I didn't know what to pray for so I prayed in the Spirit. Cool right? The Spirit prayed for me!
I wish I could say I was like "Glory to God I am healed!" That this story of healing ended there and that night I slept great. In reality, that is not actually what happened. I got home, I wrote in my journal, and I prayed. As I laid down to go to sleep, rather than the expectancy of a wonderful night of rest, I was confronted with all of my fears and worries. "What if it wasn't for me?" "What if God didn't heal me but the girl on the other side of the auditorium. You know the one who specifically asked for healing from insomnia."
I woke up that morning tired and confused. So I prayed. I told God about my fears. I confronted the issues of why I was scared to sleep at night. Why I had been afraid of the night for the past three months. I told Him that the night was always hardest for me. It was the only time of day where I couldn't run away from my thoughts because the silence of the night always brought them back to me. I was scared of the memories that always showed up at night. I was scared of having dreams that frightened me. And, that night, I was scared that if I didn't sleep good then I had misheard God and He didn't heal me. Thinking about it now, I have realized that my biggest fear is deceiving myself. I am so scared of believing something and it not happening. I'm scared of the pain and disappointment that it brings.
That morning I opened a devotional and all God spoke to me was faith and trust.
I know that God could have just let me have the great night of sleep to reaffirm who He is and that He is a healer and my faith and trust would have been increased. God knows how to speak to me though. I needed to believe without the sight of the promise. He has been asking me to believe over and over and over again. How crazy that He used this to show me how. I asked Christ to forgive me of my doubt and worries. I asked Him to increase my faith and trust.
Throughout the day I was just thinking through all of this. Everything God had revealed to me over these past three months. All of the changes He has made in me. One of the biggest things I kept thinking about was perspective. My perspective had changed. I saw it through the way I reacted. I could have been like "I knew it wasn't me He healed." I could have had so many negative thoughts. Instead I asked for forgiveness of my doubt and lack of faith and focused on truth.
Perspective matters.
That night, I didn't go to bed asking God to heal me. I went to sleep knowing I was already healed. I went to sleep knowing that God is good. That it was my own lack of faith and my own doubt that would hinder me from receiving the blessings God desires to give me.
I slept wonderful.
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[Proverbs 3:24]
"When you lie down, you will not be afraid; Yes, you will lie down and your sleep will be sweet."
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